Handynglish
What’d that fool just say?

In the Shop, we sometimes use words or phrases that may not be part of your daily repertoire.  To clear up any confusion, here are some brief definitions and usage tips.

Biscuit-brained
– Clueless, generally. As in, “Using a biscuit-brained approach will cost you more money and more time.”

Break your crayons
– Letting something upset you; updated version of blubbering over spilled milk. As in, “If you undercut this piece, don’t let it break your crayons. Grab another piece, and try it again.”

Chalupa
– K-chang.  Cash. 

Cheese Factor
– A scaled measurement (1-10) judging how far one’s undies have crept up one’s crack

Chimplify
– To make so simple that a chimpanzee could understand or do it.  As in, “It’s widely known that W’s daily briefings were chimplified; in other words, a chimp could misunderstand ‘em”.

Cluster Bomb
- A disorganized mess that actually serves a purpose

Chocolate
– Totally cool and/or awesome, but just shy of completely-off-the-hook.

Chronoptimist
– Someone who always underestimates the time necessary to complete a task or project.

Crumpelstiltskin
– A scar. “That cut is gonna leave a Crumpelstiltskin”

Control Z
– Undo a whoopsee. As in, “This isn’t Windows or Vista, so we can’t just control Z this eff up. We’ll have to do it again, and that’s okay.
Remember, you’re a mistake machine; that’s how you learn.”

Damn skippy
– An assertive agreement with the preceding statement.

The Dangly State
– Florida.

Dapper Duper
– The quality of looking mighty fine. Said of completed pieces, especially ones with slick or bold finishes.

De-loosify
– To tighten.

Dilemma Junction
– The inevitable problem arising in the timeline of a project when the temptation to quit reaches its peak. Pushing through this point separates the crafty from the craven.

Draggin' up
– Gatherin' up my tools and heading for home.

Dynamically-challenged
– Lazy. Version of “Kinetically-challenged”.

Economically Challenged
– Poor or cheap, but mostly poor

Facemelter
– Friggin’ awesome electric guitar solo (did someone leak our plans for the Handyman Jam?).

Faddle Twits
– Nonsensical expression of exasperation.

First Straw
– A minor inconvenience; variation of “no biggie”.

Frangibility Quotient
– The likelihood of something being broken or damaged. As in, “Now, exercise caution because balsa wood has an extremely high frangibility quotient”.

Frankenstein
– To hack off choice bits of one or more existing items and then attach them to a new project, thereby bending them to suit your own requirements (diabolic or not).  No gothic castles, fortuitously-timed electrical storms or god complexes required for this kind of assembly.

Freckles-on-the-Butt
– Variation of icing on the cake; more at adding character or novelty to a project.

Fugnuggets
– A gentleman’s pouch pecans. As in, “These overalls make my fugnuggets feel pinchy.”

Gettin' Jacked
– A subtle rip-off that you usually don't noticed until it's too late

Gullibility Franchise
– Network marketing.  As in, “My cousin just hit me up for 300 bucks to invest in another gullibility franchise. That dude will never learn.”

Handifesto
– The title of the upcoming Handyman book, a compendium of the Handyman’s pearls of wisdom and, of course, plenty of project tips.

Handincredible
– Awesomeness achieved through digital (the old fashioned finger/digit variety) manipulation. As in, “That wicked sick catch-all shelf you made using the Handyman’s plans is nothing short of handincredible”.

Hip Dysphasia
– The inability to understand being cool. Disproportionately affects those 30 and up.

Humonstrous
– So big it’s scary.

Jed Clampit
– Using any of a variety of over-size, lockable clamps, the strength of which lies in their utter simplicity.

Jelly punk
– a skateboarding, emo-loving, baggy-pantsed, high-fructose-powered, black-clad adolescent who behaves in a manner consistent with one whose cranium is filled with artificially-fruit- flavored, gelatinous bread spread; one to whom “handiness” is rarely ascribed.

Kitchensinking
– Attempting multiple solutions to a problem simultaneously, in the desperate hopes that something will work. This methodology is typically used by people who have no idea what they’re doing.

Loosen Your Corset
– Anything that could potentially leave you out of breath, especially if it involves heavy lifting or rapid movement of any kind.

Lucktarded
– Quality of rare individuals who customarily experience great luck, consequently bailing them out of sticky situations.  As in, “Unless you are lucktarded, you’re going to make mistakes on this project”.

Malicious Obedience
– The Modus Operandi adopted by those who work for people convinced of their own infallible decision-making prowess, where one gleefully does what they’re told, even though they know it’s misguided, and waiting for the moment when it all blows up in their face.

No homo
– Said of the preceding statement in order to clarify that no homosexual double entendre was intended or should be assumed.  To borrow a phrase from Seinfeld, “not that there’s anything wrong with that”. 

The Nod of Affirmation
– Rarely given approval of the highest degree (of course, followed by the actual vertical chin waggle).

Noodle Fuddled
– Become confused, addled. 

Noodle Stall
– Brain fart. As in, “Bear with me, my noodle just stalled.”

Outward Blame
– Placing the responsibility for an act or idea squarely on the shoulders of someone else, especially upon those ill-equipped (physically, psychically and/or cognitively … woe be unto those who do not take these factors into consideration) to divert the blame back onto you.

Puttin’ stink on it
– a Zen-like creative spin or unique approach (born of a unparalleled balance of practiced skill, tractable luck and recognized genius) used in a run-of-the-mill activity resulting in truly exceptional execution of performance.

Ramen Budget
– Economic constraints leading us to choose the cheapest possible version of a product, common among those who are employed but are still struggling financially, due to dropping wages, decreasing property values, and rising costs of food, health care and just about everything else.

Re-thunked
– Reconsidering your approach to a project, especially after it's almost finished.

Rub of love
– Appreciation, through the act of a gentle caress, of a project's superior texture resulting from any form of finishing, including, but not limited to, sanding, painting or varnishing.

Rumple Pucker Bottom
– When your back-side goes tighter than a snare drum at the mention of what something might snatch from your wallet.

S on your Chest
– Be like Superman. As in, “You don’t have to have an S on your chest to do projects like these. The more you do, the more you learn; and the more you learn, the easier projecting will become.”

Shop-Hack
– Technique known by scarce few (perhaps only the Handyman) that will simplify any given task in the Shop.

Smite
– We feel this word should make a comeback.  As in, “Don’t make me come over there and smite you”.

Snout Fondue
– What else, boogers.

Spread-n-Shine
– Careful (some might add, tender) method of applying a wood treatment (like polyurethane after staining) which embiggens the sheen of the finished product.

Three Dollar Hooker
– Anything that's cheap, easy and gets the job done

Trouser Chili
– When something is so scary, you can't keep certain things puckered anymore.

Uncle Fester
– To allow a freshly applied substance (usually a liquid like paint, stain, seal, etc.) to set, dry and/or cure.

Wind Blows Up Your Skirt
– Whenever you feel like it

WMD’s
– Update on unicorns, rainbows and other non-existent and/or ridiculous distractions to the task at hand.